Hiccups
by bookworm1805
Summary: Sirius has the hiccups. Remus, in his quest to continue reading, is willing to do anything to get rid of them. Anything. RLSB!


Sirius gets the hiccups. Remus has to resort to desperate measures to get rid of them.

Disclaimer: I don't own Mr. Potter or his wonderful world. I only own Remus Lupin and Sirius Black because they're my personal slaves and live in my closet. Wait, what? That's not Remus and Sirius? NOO DON'T ARREST ME! Fine, fine! I don't own anything!!

--------------------------O.o----------------------------

Sirius Black had the hiccups.

Now, this may have been an inconsequential fact in any other circumstance to any other person. Be that as it may, it was Remus Lupin, and he was trying to read. There was one basic rule in the 5th year Gryffindor Boy's dormitory (alright, there were several, but this is one): Nobody disturbs Remus when he is reading.

No one.

Sirius' diaphragm didn't get the memo, unfortunately. Bubbles of air rose in his throat repeatedly, and with each release Sirius' body shook, along with his bed. This created the distracting sound of rattling and shaking bed posts.

When the first hiccup came, Remus was sprawled out on his bed, a book in his hand and a bag of Honeydukes' chocolate on his bedside table. Sirius was lounging on his own bed next to Remus', looking at the werewolf intently and wondering if he could burn a whole in the pages of his book if he stared long enough.

Sadly, Remus' book did not erupt in flames. Sirius only succeeded in agitating his friend, which would work against him once he got his hiccups.

Remus was reading a particularly captivating sentence about the proper way to stir a Dreamless Sleep Drought when Sirius first hiccupped. His shoulders tensed and his eyes froze on the page. He waited for a few seconds. There was silence.

So he continued to read. But he only reached the section on how long to wait before adding tentacular leaves when he heard another hiccup. And another. And another.

Sirius sat on his bed, hiccupping his life away, watching his friend with wary eyes. He knew better than to speak, but felt the need to apologize anyway.

He opened his mouth to say something, but somehow Remus saw him in his peripheral vision and peered over at him menacingly. The look said, very clearly, _Speak and you _die_. _Sirius snapped his mouth shut.

Sirius continued hiccupping for several more minutes while Remus sat frigidly on his bed, not making any progress in his book, despite his valiant efforts. He glared at the clock. 3:40 pm.

"Don't just sit there. Try and get rid of the blasted things," Remus said sharply, abruptly breaking the silence.

His sole companion seemed shocked by the interruption, but was jolted into action when he caught the look on Remus' face. He began flapping his arms and squawking, seeming to genuinely believe that this would cure his hiccups.

Remus could only stare at Sirius in bewilderment and budding anger. He cleared his throat. "What. Are you doing."

Sirius quieted and blinked. "Trying to get rid of my hiccups," he said rather uncertainly. Remus' gaze on him didn't waver, and Sirius began to grow fidgety. His eyes flicked about the room nervously. "Er—" he was cut off by a hiccup.

Silence reigned in the room.

"Guess it didn't work," Sirius said meekly, gazing at the werewolf as if imploring him to have mercy on his soul.

"Wow. What a surprise," Remus snarled. He rarely resorted to sarcasm unless provoked. And right now, Sirius Black was bloody prodding him with a 3-pronged, pointy staff with silver tips.

"Um. I suppose I could try something else," Sirius supplied helpfully, standing up and rummaging through all the drawers in the dormitory. He threw out clothes, quills, Peter's 'secret' love letters from his 'secret' girlfriend, Marilyn Harty in Hufflepuff, and Remus' stash of chocolate that, by all rights, he shouldn't even know the whereabouts of since it was _Remus'_ chocolate and was protected by a whole manner of curses and charms.

Unfortunately for Sirius, he remembered this little fact too late. The charms were triggered when Sirius tossed the chocolate out of its hiding place. Sirius consequently grew a very large and uncomfortable blister on his finger and, oddly enough, a long, spiky red tail that seemed to move and swish of its own accord.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at his friend's rather creative charm-casting. Remus only rewarded him with a glare that could literally rip a person's soul out of their body.

"You," Remus uttered the word with contempt, "had better sleep with a protective charm around your bed hangings tonight. Or better yet, _don't sleep at all_." Despite this warning, Remus vanquished the tail and blister with a wave of his wand. He'd have his revenge.

Sirius' eyes widened to absurd proportions and he nodded vigorously. He then continued his search carefully, making sure not to disturb Remus', ahem, 'journal', which he knew shouldn't know about either.

He hiccupped all the while. Amidst his searching, Sirius discovered that when Remus was frustrated, his left eye twitched. So now that he was angry beyond reasonable measure, the entire left side of his body adopted random spasms. It looked like it took a lot of effort to control.

"What exactly are you looking for, Sirius?" Remus said through his seething anger.

Sirius collapsed on the ground between his bed and Remus'. "I don't know!" he cried mournfully. He hiccupped. "Anything to get rid of these _stupid_ hiccups!"

Remus stared at Sirius thoughtfully. "Have you tried magic? A remedy?"

Sirius looked back at his friend, shell-shocked. _Magic_. What a concept. "Well…no…" _Hiccup_.

Silence.

"So _try one_!" Remus spat, raising his eyebrows at the boy on the floor. Sirius didn't move. "NOW!"

Sirius assembled himself and scrambled off the ground. He tried to walk to his trunk, but tripped on the corner of a rug and slid across the floor, ramming into his bedpost. He collapsed to the ground in a heap of limbs. He hiccupped miserably.

Remus, despite all his agitation, still had the presence of mind to be amused. "Well. Now we know hiccups can't be cured by blunt force trauma."

Sirius cracked one eye open and didn't dignify that comment with a response. He only let his head fall to the ground heavily, ignoring the painful thudding in his brain.

"It would take too long to go to the library and look up a remedy," Remus said, rather sensibly. He was trying desperately not to lose control again.

Sirius mumbled his agreement.

"Well. Since you're supplying a wealth of ideas, I suppose you're expecting me to find you a solution?" Sirius looked at Remus. He hiccupped. Remus took that as consent.

Remus began to sort in his mind all the ways he knew of to cure hiccups. Thankfully for the both of them, Remus had been raised in a Muggle house. He had a Muggle grandfather who, eccentric as he may be, had taught him a lot about the 'Other World'. Turned out Muggles had a plethora of obscure ways to 'cure' hiccups.

"Alright. There's fright. Some Muggles say that you can scare hiccups away," Remus said. Sirius gave Remus a doubtful hiccup. "I don't care what you think, we're trying it." Remus paused after this, realizing how ridiculous it was that he was communicating with Sirius through _hiccups_. And that he could actually _understand_ what each hiccup meant.

He shook his head. There was something severely wrong with their relationship.

Remus studied Sirius, deciding the best way to go about scaring him senseless. Sirius had relaxed slightly, glad Remus wasn't being as temperamental. He clutched his head gingerly and slowly stood up, making sure he didn't slip or stumble or trip.

Sirius made sure he had his balance before he took a tentative step towards Remus' bed. The werewolf was struck with an idea.

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK!!! YOU HAVE RUINED MY ENTIRE BLOODY AFTERNOON, YOU GIT!" Remus bellowed at the top of his lungs, leaping off his bed with a great loud _thud_ and holding his wand expertly in front of him, pointing it straight between Sirius' eyes. He shot a bat bogey hex at him and Sirius was blasted ten feet away.

Remus then calmly put his wand away in his pocket and walked over to Sirius. The poor animagus was literally paralyzed with fear, staring at Remus like he was the Grim Reaper. He whimpered. Remus rolled his eyes and offered him a hand.

"Bloddy hell, Moony! I think I wet myself! You scared the living _hell_ out of me!" he exclaimed shakily. He grasped the offered hand and was hauled up. Remus clapped him on the back and stepped away.

"Are your hiccups gone?" _Hiccup_. "Well. That answered that question," Remus said as he walked back to his bed to think.

Sirius had a light bulb moment. "You were trying to frighten the hiccups out of me?" he asked, astonished.

Remus looked at him like he was an idiot for not realizing this sooner. (Which he was.) "Of course, you little twit. I want to get back to reading."

Sirius tried his best not to look like a wounded puppy as he sullenly trudged over to sit on Remus' bed. (He failed horrendously.)

After a few moments of silence, Remus was struck with another idea. "Of course," he muttered to himself. "This is the most basic Muggle remedy," he told Sirius. He conjured up a glass of water and handed it to his friend. "Take three long sips of water, but don't take any breaths in-between."

Sirius stared at Remus like he was mental. "Are you joking?" Hiccup.

"No," Remus said, daring to be challenged. Sirius cowered and accepted the glass.

"Fine," he mumbled. He took a long sip, then a second, but couldn't help taking in a little air before the third. _Hiccup_. "It didn't work," Sirius protested, pouting.

"Of course it didn't! You breathed!" Remus exclaimed angrily. "Do it again!"

Sirius looked put-out and glared at Remus for three seconds before realizing he would never win a stare-down with the werewolf. He hiccupped once more before drinking from the water, this time properly.

They both waited in silence. Just as victory seemed so near and Remus was reaching for his book, the surreal peace was interrupted.

_Hiccup_.

Remus' hand clenched into a fist, and he felt his temper rising again. "Alright. That didn't work."

Sirius drained the glass of water in one gulp and threw it across the room in anger. Luckily, Remus quickly cast a charm on it so when it collided with the wall it exploded into butterflies, not pointy shards of glass. Sirius grunted his compliments to Remus before flopping on his bed. He hiccupped.

Remus ran through his list of Muggle remedies once more. Fright? Check. Water? Check. Hanging upside-down? Aha! Remus looked at Sirius' position. He was already lying on his bed horizontally, legs hanging off one end. All he had to do was scoot up a little more and his head would hang off the the other edge too.

"Sirius, scoot up the bed a little more," Remus said while nudging him.

"Pardon? I'll –_hiccup—_hang off the edge, Moony," Sirius explained.

Remus continued to prod his friend until he obeyed. "I know. This is the next cure. Some Muggles think that hanging upside down will get rid of hiccups."

"That's completely bonkers," Sirius protested, but dutifully hung upside down. Remus looked at him, deadpanned. "Alright. Shutting up."

The next five minutes were the closest Remus would get to bliss this afternoon. Apart from the sporadic hiccupping, there was silence. The hiccups themselves were a little strangled and Remus began to think hopefully that maybe they were dimming a little and occurring less often. But that was just wishful thinking, in reality.

After the five minutes were up, Sirius started to complain. "Moony, my head hurts." _Hiccup_. "How long do I have to stay like this?" _Hiccup_.

Remus sighed. "For as long as I deem appropriate," he said shortly.

Sirius was quiet for a moment, then hiccupped in resentment. "Mooooony. My heaaaad. It pounds like there's a werewolf running around in there."

Remus couldn't fight back his smile. "Padfoot, I'm touched to know you can't seem to stop thinking about me." Sirius caught on to the double meaning and grinned as well.

Noticing all the blood rushing to Sirius' head, Remus frowned in consideration. "Fine. You can sit up now."

He hadn't hiccupped for a few seconds, and that was progress to Remus, so when Sirius sat up and was silent, they were both sure this was it. Eternal peace.

_Hiccup_.

Remus groaned in frustration and smacked the wall with his fist, leaving a small dent. Sirius looked at Remus in awe. "That's the closest you've ever come to defacing Hogwarts property!" he exclaimed, then hiccupped.

Remus ignored this comment and reviewed his list. Hanging upside down? Check. Breathing into a paperbag? Now that was just silly. Even he could acknowledge that. What about…holding your breath? That was a simple remedy.

"Sirius, hold your breath," Remus said suddenly. Sirius glanced at him from his destitute position at the foot of his bed.

"Isn't it supposed to be, '_Don't_ hold your breath' ?" he inquired.

"Yes, but I'm not quoting an expression. I'm giving you an order," Remus clarified, looking at Sirius sternly. "Hold your breath. It's another remedy."

Sirius hiccupped and rolled his eyes. He muttered to himself before sitting up and clearing his throat. He made a show of breathing in a gallon of air and puffing his cheeks up. He completely froze on the bed, crossing his eyes in concentration and eventually flailing his arms in an attempt to keep the captured air inside his mouth.

He lasted about ten seconds before huffing out an exaggerated breath and hiccupping several times. He huffed and puffed like a man who'd been drowning, not a boy who'd held his breath for ten seconds in his school dormitory.

Remus sighed in disbelief and grabbed his pillow. He ignored Sirius' protests and shoved the pillow in his face resolutely, forcing his back against Remus' bed post. He held the pillow in place with one outstretched hand and held his book in the other.

He began to read.

He did so in peace for about thirty seconds before Sirius' fighting arms started to turn limp and his body slumped against the post. Remus removed the pillow before he succeeded in making his friend unconscious.

Sirius was now sprawled on Remus' bed, his legs tangled with Remus' and his eyes barely open. He hiccupped. The boys both gave grunts of frustration when they heard the pathetic, bubbly sound.

"Sweet…Merlin…Remus," Sirius wheezed through his panting. "Are you...trying to _kill_ me?" _Hiccup_.

Remus' temper snapped for the last time.

"AAGHH!!" Remus roared in anger. "MAYBE I SHOULD! That would certainly make those GOD-FORSAKEN HICCUPS GO AWAY, WOULDN'T IT?!" he shouted. Sirius looked at Remus with poorly concealed fear. He started to protest, but—

He hiccupped instead.

"BLEEDING HELL!" Remus erupted again, "ALL I WANTED WAS TO READ, DAMN IT! AND NOW—NOW—_DAMN_!"

Remus was on the brink of insanity. No, not the brink. The brink of insanity had been nearly suffocating his best friend with a pillow. _This_…this was full blown lunacy. He was past the point of no return.

He was willing to do anything, _anything_, to get rid of the hiccups. His book was long forgotten. Remus' mind frantically scrambled for another remedy or cure, short of killing Sirius, who continued to hiccup and stare at Remus in avid fear and fascination.

Remus looked back at Sirius and locked eyes with him. Somewhere in their unfathomable, grey, stormy depths, Remus found the perfect solution. His last hope. A remedy that was so crazy, so outlandish, so risky, it had to work. It had to work because if it didn't, then _nothing_ would.

So it was with a crazed, determined look in his eyes and a predatory growl that Remus Lupin grabbed the front of Sirius' robes, pulled him up abruptly, and kissed him full on the mouth.

He held Sirius there resolutely, with an almost violent force, crushing their lips together fiercely. He hadn't really been expecting Sirius to respond and was shocked when the lips beneath his began to kiss him back and he felt a tug at own robes, pulling him directly on top of Sirius.

As it turned out, Sirius could hold his breath for longer than ten seconds.

It was about _forty_ seconds later that the boys finally broke apart, breathing heavily and staring at each other intently.

"Merlin," Remus breathed, while Sirius muttered, "Holy Howling Hippogriffs."

Their faces merely inches apart, they watched each other closely in wonderment.

"Was that another Muggle remedy?" Sirius asked, grinning.

"Not sure," Remus answered honestly. "But I think I'll add it to the list. For future reference." Sirius enthusiastically nodded his agreement.

One sound permeated the ensuing silence.

_Hiccup_.

Remus narrowed his eyes. He bent his head to kiss Sirius again, practically molesting him with his mouth. Not that Sirius didn't reciprocate or enjoy the molestations. He pulled at Remus' hair, toed off his shoes, tugged off his robes, and left the werewolf looking positively ravished.

Several minutes later…

The boys pulled apart for oxygen. They waited. Secretly, they both hoped they would hear that wretched hiccup again, if only to continue snogging the person they'd mutually pined after for months.

_Hiccup_.

Remus grinned and felt Sirius laugh underneath him. He started to kiss his friend again, this time softly. "Moony," Sirius sighed blissfully.

"Yes, Padfoot?" Remus responded in-between his intricate kisses.

"What if my hiccups don't go away?" Sirius asked roughly, clutching at Remus' back and nearly clawing the shirt off.

Remus pulled back and gave Sirius a wicked grin. "Then I'll simply have to kiss you until they do."

"And if they never do?"

"Then I'll never stop kissing you."

"Good," Sirius muttered before grabbing the werewolf's face directing his attention elsewhere.

As fate would have it, every afternoon from then on at around the same time, 3:40, Sirius' hiccups would return.

And every afternoon, Remus would kiss him until they left.

Which, as it turns out, they never did.


End file.
